Identity and Choices

     The Church recently published a new website about homosexuality.  I just spent some time watching some of the videos, and I found it fairly interesting.  My already existing respect for Mormon homosexuals who choose to stay faithful in the Church was magnified.  And I truly don't say that as some underhanded way of judging those who leave the Church.  

     In fact, let me digress for a while and talk about that.  I think it can be natural for us Mormons to respond to someone leaving the Church by thinking things like, "Well, they just didn't work hard enough" or "...if they just hadn't misapplied this principle or that doctrine they wouldn't have been so deceived" or anything that starts with, "If they just...".  Any one of those things could be true.  But you may not fully understand or appreciate where that person is in their journey.  Life is a paradox, and there are more paradoxes in the Gospel of Jesus Christ than just about anywhere.  It's those paradoxes that cause me the greatest struggles with my faith, but it's the same paradoxes that make the faith so compelling and beautiful, because they somehow have a way of revealing some deeper truth.  The Church may not always like to talk about them as paradoxes directly, but think about it.  The only way for the Plan of Salvation to succeed was for Eve to disobey God's commandments regarding the Fruit.  We're here in mortality to become like God by learning from our own experience, and we're commanded to be perfect.  Who learns anything by being perfect all the time?  We learn by making mistakes.  (This is only intended as a statement of fact, not as some excuse to ignore one's conscience.)  After all, wasn't it Eve's conscience that led her to disobey God?  I'm not saying we should use this to justify anything.  My point is, we can call something a mistake, and we can even say it's wrong, but with God's mercy you never know where it will lead.  

     Especially as it pertains to homosexuality, another thing to remember is that the heaviness with which these issues weigh on people's minds has led far too many people to think that suicide is a valid option.  Before you react to someone leaving the Church with "If they had just...", think about that for a moment.  A person can literally drive themselves insane by forever saying "If I had just...".  I think we need to be very careful about putting that kind of pressure on someone.  My personal feeling is that if it came down to someone either having suicidal thoughts or walking away from the Church, it might be time to walk away.  Perhaps in time they will find their way back in a healthier way.  Or perhaps they will just live and that's enough.  I don't believe a person can sacrifice their mental health and be spiritually healthy.  And "walking away" from being gay isn't an option.  We should appreciate that; I think God does.  Only he knows how to judge us.

     All of that being said, back to my respect for gay Mormons who stay fully faithful in the Church.  I know plenty of people who believe that it is a betrayal of oneself for a homosexual to remain fully faithful in the Church.  In other words, that choosing to never have sex with someone of the same sex when you are homosexual is living a lie.  Maybe there are cases where that is true.  But I also think it's important to think of the whole person and to consider that we all have different parts of us that rub up against each other and often conflict, and that in such cases we either have to find a way to create harmony between those parts of ourselves, or simply prioritize which parts matter most to us.  This is never easy.   And sacrifices must sometimes be made.  A lot of people will think that sounds cold.  But I think we must respect each other's choices.  We may not understand them because we may not understand why that other part of their identity is so important to them.  Whether or not you agree with the Church's stance on homosexuality, is it fair to blame gays and lesbians for the choices they make to follow its teachings?  Have you asked them why they do it?  Maybe they actually get more out of being Mormon than you realize.  If they truly feel that how they respond to their sexuality has an influence on their spirituality, and their spiritual experience in this life is that critically important to who they are and how happy they can be, why should we judge them for their choice?  Do we go around telling Nuns that they are betraying themselves?  I agree that we should be liberated from the control of others, but when an adult thoughtfully makes a choice for himself or herself, who are we to say they aren't free?

     I agree that it is a betrayal of oneself to deny one's feelings.  If someone hides from themselves or ignores or denies that they are homosexual when they are, that can become a really unhealthy situation.  I think it is critically important for people to love and accept themselves as they are.  To accept that their feelings are what they are and not hide from that.  But I know gay Mormons who can say, "Yeah, I'm a guy and I'm attracted to guys.  I'm even attracted to that guy over there.  But I'm choosing to live a Mormon lifestyle because it's too rewarding, and too much a part of who I am to give it up."  And that's just fine with me.

http://www.mormonsandgays.org/

     Also, this blog is part of my attempt at expressing myself honestly despite the fact that everyone will probably disagree with me on one or more points here.  Mormon friends may disagree with different points than non-Mormon friends, but none of this is intended to start an argument or upset anyone.  It's just me figuring out where I am on the issue for now.