If I have to be completely honest, I've felt like my life has been kind of grinding and confused since I graduated from college. I felt like a baby bird being happily tossed out of the nest with everyone around me saying, "Congratulations! Now fly!" And I just didn't know how. I've never felt prepared for adulthood. I struggled so hard for a sense of self, which surprised me, because I thought I was so sure of who I was. Being too sure can really make a person vulnerable to getting knocked on their ass, huh?
It took me a long time to figure out that what is needed is to embrace the ambiguity and be willing to start from where you are and work at something. I've spent a lot of time just trying to figure out where I was. In the midst of feeling lost I recognized that most people feel lost in some way. We have different names for it, but whatever you call it, being lost is really a valuable experience and makes being human so much more interesting. Think of how much smaller the world would be and how much less we would know if people never got lost.
I am so in love with the chaos and absurdity of being human. The pain and splendor of love, the yearning for meaning that drives us to create patterns in the world around us, the discomfort of disagreement, and the sheer joy of having senses, humor and emotion all coalesces in this colorful existence that morphs and changes through time. People change through time, if we let them. I'm changing, and I like it! Don't get me wrong, I like who I was before, too. In fact I'm still me in the ways I think are essential. And that's what's so great- I'M ME, so I can decide what's essential about me and decide what to change. It sounds so basic and obvious, but the freedom to define myself for myself is earth-shattering to me.
The rain is coming and it's going to be here all day. I'm glad for the drink.
Also, I'm in love with this song. (Ok, the whole album, but this song is my current favorite)
In the Morning of the Magicians by The Flaming Lips